Sermon #54 (21st November 2021 at Essex Church / Kensington Unitarians)
Once upon a time – it seems to me – there was a ‘one size fits all’ approach to hospitality. You could, at least in principle, consult an etiquette guide which would spell out in fine detail the proper way to conduct yourself as a host or as a guest (in a particular cultural context). And most of us will likely have been brought up with at least an approximate sense of what counts as ‘good manners’ relative to the expectations of the class and culture we grew up in.
In the piece we just heard, Jeffrey Lockwood is pretty clear about what is required of him if he is to be a ‘good guest’, and that’s to ‘ask little, accept what is offered, and give thanks’. He’s making a broader point of course – these are good principles for being ‘a guest of the world’ – but consider his examples of consuming live fish, horse steak, and fermented mare’s milk vodka on his globe-trotting travels. The message is that a virtuous visitor should just eat up and be glad.
By this measure I’d be a very bad guest. I don’t think I could bring myself to eat much on his menu. And in this day and age we might well be concerned to allow for people’s ethical principles – what about the guest who is vegan or vegetarian – who has allergies – or religious constraints? Perhaps if we’re in a place where food is scarce then we might think differently. And if someone has offered you their best, a local delicacy, to honour you, it seems a poor show to turn your nose up at it. But the rules for being a ‘good guest’ are perhaps not as clear-cut as they once seemed. If we reflect on the matter more deeply we might well uncover some conflicting values/priorities which are at stake. What’s the more important consideration: honouring the host’s offering or upholding, say, your vegan principles? Or from the other side, as the host, what’s more important: offering food which is culturally significant to you, or accommodating the guest’s preferences? This sort of balancing act, this back-and-forth of anticipating each other’s needs and preferences, and the values, expectations, boundaries, resources that lie behind them, seems key to hospitality.
In preparing this service I temporarily disappeared down a rabbit-hole of contemporary online articles on ‘how to be a good guest’ and ‘how to be a good host’. In conclusion: it’s complicated. Many of the tips I found were cancelled out by other tips stating more or less the opposite advice somewhere else (for example ‘Guests: take the initiative to make yourself comfortable and state your needs, as hosts can’t read your mind’ vs ‘Guests: don’t ask your hosts to turn the heating up, just put an extra jumper on, rather than risk imposing on your hosts or embarrassing them’). Still, a few common threads emerged, which might be useful principles for us to bear in mind both as individuals and as a congregation attempting to practice hospitality and ‘Welcome All Souls’.
One key aspect of hospitality is sensitivity to the particular needs and preferences of your guests. On a very mundane level this might mean checking about any dietary restrictions they might have, you know, before you serve up the pig’s ears. But there are more subtle things to be aware of too. In Tom Owen-Towle’s reflection, which Sonya read for us earlier, he spoke about the importance of reflecting on aspects of our practice, our norms, our ways of being as a congregation, and being alert to the ways in which we might inadvertently be making people feel unwelcome or excluded. And as the years go by we – if we are paying attention – become aware of more and more ways in which we can do better in this regard. One example: over the last few years I’ve begun to get a bit of insight into issues relating to neurodiversity – that is, issues which affect autistic people, people with ADHD, dyslexia, dyspraxia, highly sensitive people and (depending on how broadly you define it) people with mental health diagnoses and dispositions to anxiety, depression – there’s a lot we need to learn about how different people experience the world differently.
In a way this is stating the obvious but it’s an error to assume that everybody has the same needs and preferences that we do (and if we only offer precisely the sort of hospitality we would want to receive then we’ll likely only be truly welcoming to people who are very much like us – which I don’t think is our intention – it’s like the difference between the ‘golden rule’ and the ‘platinum rule’ – the higher aspiration is surely to treat other people as they would wish to be treated). We could be far more welcoming to a more diverse spectrum of people if we listened to what people in different groups – such as the neurodiverse community – are saying about their needs. Often it seems that small, and easily overlooked, adaptations – such as giving a wider range of options for participation –making available (before the event) detailed and accurate information about what to expect – and allowing people a pass option or an easy exit route – make our gatherings more accessible for all. This is just one example, but one that Tom Owen-Towle wouldn’t have been aware of when he wrote his reflection twenty years ago, so I offer it as a reminder that there is always more to learn, and we shouldn’t rest on our laurels when it comes to offering a truly inclusive welcome.
Another thing that seems important is to be clear about expectations (and then, crucially, stick to any agreements you make, to avoid setting anyone up for anxiety, embarrassment, or resentment). It’s alright, in fact it’s healthy, for both host and guest to set the limits and boundaries you need. If, as a host, your default assumption is ‘my house, my rules’, it is worth spelling out those rules as best you can, ahead of time, especially if any of them are a bit unexpected or out of the ordinary. Then, your prospective guest knows what they’re in for, and perhaps if they don’t like the sound of it they can choose not to come, or at least they can come prepared. And there’s been a lot more of this sort of explicit spelling-out-of-expectations in the past year or so of pandemic. As the official Covid-restrictions have come and gone there has been – at least in the circles I move in – a lot of care taken over negotiation of consent around in-person meet-ups to account for everybody’s differing levels of risk-tolerance. If someone invites you over there might be a preliminary check-in: What are our expectations and our boundaries at this moment? Will we be outdoors or indoors? Distanced or not? Masks or no-masks? Hugging or no hugging? Will we all take lateral flow tests? Such considerations are a very real aspect of what it means to be a good host (and guest) in 2021. Which is not to say there’s necessarily a right answer – again, no ‘one size fits all’ – but whatever you decide will rule some people in and some people out. As long as you communicate it clearly – and, crucially, follow through on the agreements you make around these boundaries – then your guests can make informed choices about where they feel comfortable, safe, and welcome. Covid-safety is the obvious example with which to illustrate the idea at this moment in history but there are many more run-of-the-mill areas in which everyone could benefit from such clarity.
And though there’s so much more than we could say about hospitality than I have time for this morning I’ll perhaps just offer one more aspect to consider and that’s the value of give-and-take. Mutuality. Hospitality implies a generosity of spirit that goes both ways. Our meditation, by John O’Donohue, concluded ‘no visitor arrives without a gift and no guest leaves without a blessing’. And spiritual writer Marjorie J. Thompson has also got something to say on the matter. She writes: ‘In offering shelter, nourishment, rest, and enjoyment to our guests, we often discover that they gift us with their presence. The relationship of host and guest is a mutual one; the very root of the word ‘hospitality’, ‘hospes’, means both host and guest.’ She continues: ‘Hospitality entails providing for the need, comfort, and delight of the other with all the openness, respect, freedom, tenderness, and joy that love itself embodies… Hospitality is concerned with the total well-being of the guest. It is a movement to include the guests in the very best of what we ourselves have received and can therefore offer. It is the act of sharing who we are as well as what we have. Thus, hospitality of the heart lies beneath every hospitable act.’ Words by Marjorie J. Thompson.
In today’s complex and ever-changing world, we probably know better, don’t we, than to try and codify the art of being a good host, or good guest, in a simple set of etiquette rules to be followed. There are, perhaps, virtues to which both host and guest might aspire: sensitivity, awareness, caring, generosity, clear communication, gratitude. You might have qualities you’d add to this list. Maybe we can think of it as being more like a dance, in which host and guest might hope to tune in to each other’s needs, carefully communicate their expectations and boundaries, and show generosity of spirit – especially in those moments when they tread on one another’s toes.
Sermon by Jane Blackall
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