{"id":763,"date":"2025-04-01T21:22:44","date_gmt":"2025-04-01T20:22:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.rebelrebel.org.uk\/?p=763"},"modified":"2025-04-01T21:22:45","modified_gmt":"2025-04-01T20:22:45","slug":"other-loves","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.rebelrebel.org.uk\/?p=763","title":{"rendered":"Other Loves"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
\"\"<\/a><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n

Reflection #98 (9th February 2025 at Essex Church \/ Kensington Unitarians)<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

There\u2019s a saying that used to be used a lot in Unitarian and Universalist churches, as a kind-of covenant, and it starts with the phrase: \u2018Love is the doctrine of this church.\u2019 And I don\u2019t think it would be controversial to say that love is what we think we\u2019re about as a community \u2013 it pops up on a regular basis in our hymns and prayers \u2013 it\u2019s right at the centre of who we are and what we do (or at least what we aspire to do). But, strangely, we don\u2019t often make it the particular focus of a service \u2013 possibly because it\u2019s just too big a topic to get a handle on \u2013 or too slippery a concept. <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

At least once a year Valentine\u2019s Day prompts us to give it a try though \u2013 hence today\u2019s theme \u2013 though the event is (usually) squarely focused on romantic love. The culture we\u2019re immersed in tends to promote romantic love as the absolute pinnacle of human experience, and when we\u2019re young, especially, pursuit of a romantic relationship (our \u2018happy ever after\u2019) can become a significant focus. The ideal that\u2019s sold to us is that we can (and should) get all our needs met in one relationship \u2013 we will rely on one person for more-or-less everything \u2013 sex, companionship, practical support \u2013 for the rest of our days. Romantic coupling is presented almost as an organising principle for our lives and society \u2013 at least in theory \u2013 in reality such relationships end up being rather more of a mixed bag. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now I\u2019m not saying it\u2019s impossible to have that idealised fairytale experience of falling in love, and staying together for the long haul, with most of your needs being met within that one lasting bond. But it seems to be the exception rather than the rule. And these days many more of us are coming to the realisation that other forms of love, other ways of being in relationship, are just as important (and worthy of our attention) as the conventional coupling we usually celebrate on Valentine\u2019s Day. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I say \u2018these days\u2019 \u2013 of course this is not new \u2013 as we just heard the Ancient Greeks had all these words for other loves many centuries ago: Pragma, Philia, Ludus, Agape, Philautia. They certainly still celebrated eros \u2013 the \u2018falling in love\u2019 kind of love \u2013 the desire that sweeps us off our feet, magnetically attracts us, stirs us to act \u2013 a love associated with drama and transformation. But they also honoured pragma \u2013 a kind-of mature love you can rely on \u2013 the sensible and unglamorous love of committed long-term relationship which endures ups and downs. And also philia \u2013 intimate friendship \u2013 I say that to distinguish from the more easy-come easy-go connections where the word \u2018friend\u2019 is bandied about without that deeper loving connection. Then there\u2019s ludus \u2013 playful love \u2013 I would say this includes short-lived consensual dalliances where two people delight in each other for a time but know it\u2019s \u2018of the moment\u2019 and won\u2019t last. And philautia, which mustn\u2019t be overlooked, that\u2019s all about healthy self-love and self-care. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Agape is the one which most frequently gets mentioned in religious contexts \u2013 more universal \u2013 sometimes traditionally translated as \u2018charity\u2019 but I tend to connect it with \u2018compassion\u2019 \u2013 a generalised benevolent fellow-feeling for the well-being of others whoever they may be. It\u2019s a slightly tricky concept to get a grip on, but I found a really interesting take on it in an essay by the philosopher Myisha Cherry, who wrote: \u2018agape is not an affectionate feeling nor does it require \u2018liking\u2019 the beloved. Instead, love is an attitude. The reason for loving the beloved is unmotivated and groundless therefore, agape is not aimed at a selective few but rather all members of the moral community. [The only grounds for loving is because they are human.] It involves understanding, goodwill, respect, and active concern. Agape is not passive or weak but active and tough. It desires the common good, resistance to injustice, and restoration of the beloved community. Although agape is generalized love towards everyone, it often is expressed differently to particular people.\u2019 (pause) A helpful take on agape from Myisha Cherry which draws out its connection to social justice. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Culturally, societally, as I said before, we do tend to put these different forms of love into a hierarchy, with this all-consuming romantic love at the top, and the \u2018other loves\u2019 as also-rans. We see this played out in various ways \u2013 in the past I have certainly been guilty of disappearing into romantic relationships and neglecting my friendships for a time (until the gloss wore off) \u2013 and I have also been on the other side of that equation on numerous occasions when I felt I\u2019d been \u2018dumped\u2019 by friends who were suddenly giving all their time and attention to their latest flame instead. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Today\u2019s service theme was inspired in part by this book \u2018The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Centre\u2019 by Rhaina Cohen. It contains stories of people who have defied convention by choosing a friend as, in some sense, a life partner \u2013 co-owning a home together, or co-parenting, or being committed caregivers to each other in later life \u2013 and as the book\u2019s blurb says \u2018these stories unsettle widespread assumptions, including the idea that sex is a defining feature of partnership, and that people who raise kids together should be in a romantic relationship\u2026 Cohen argues that we undermine romantic relationships by expecting too much of them, while we diminish friendships by expecting too little of them\u2026 she insists that we recognise the many forms of profound connection that can anchor our lives. This book challenges us to ask what we want from our relationships \u2013 not just what we\u2019re supposed to want \u2013 and transforms how we define a fulfilling life.\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I won\u2019t try to summarise the stories in this book \u2013 I couldn\u2019t do them justice \u2013 but I found it fascinating to read about how people realised that a platonic friendship was their most important relationship \u2013 the one connection they wanted to build their life around \u2013 their \u2018significant other\u2019. More generally, it\u2019s becoming increasingly apparent that there are all these different ways of doing relationships, and there are lessons to learn from people who are being thoughtful and reflective about making less conventional choices and sharing their lived experiences. I\u2019m thinking particularly of the asexual and polyamorous communities, from whom we might learn about approaching our relationships with fewer default expectations as to what sort of relationship it will turn out to be. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Valentine\u2019s Day version of love puts a lot of emphasis on grand passions \u2013 big emotions \u2013 but love is more than just a feeling. We\u2019ve said before that \u2018love is a verb, love is a doing word\u2019 (to quote Massive Attack). When I was at Heythrop College some years ago studying the best-titled philosophy module ever \u2013 \u2018Love, Sex, Death and God\u2019 \u2013 I discovered that the philosophers had a whole range of perspectives on love: yes, it can be a feeling or emotion which comes upon us spontaneously, but it can also be an attitude we hold, an action or behaviour we engage in, or a sustained commitment. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

bell hooks, in her classic text \u2018All About Love\u2019, wrote: \u2018Learning faulty definitions of love when we are young makes it difficult to be loving as we grow older. Most of us learn early on to think of love as a feeling. When we feel deeply drawn to someone, we cathect with them; that is, we invest feeling or emotion in them. That process of investment wherein a loved one becomes important to us is called \u201ccathexis\u201d\u2026 and most of us \u201cconfuse cathecting with loving\u201d… If we remembered that \u201clove is as love does\u201d, we would not use the word in a manner that devalues and degrades its meaning. When we are loving we openly and honestly express care, affection, responsibility, respect, commitment, and trust.\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And feminist theologian Carter Heyward has said: \u2018Love does not just happen. We are not\u2026 puppets on the strings of a deity called \u201clove.\u201d Love is a choice\u2014not simply, or necessarily, a rational choice, but rather a willingness to be present to others without pretence or guile. Love is a conversion to humanity\u2014a willingness to participate with others in the healing of a broken world… Love is the choice to experience life as a member of the human family, a partner in the dance of life, rather than as an alien in the world or as a deity above the world, aloof and apart from human flesh.\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Words from Carter Heyward. Love is a choice \u2013 and we need to choose love \u2013 more so now than ever. In this world of perma-crisis and precarity, we can (we must!) still turn to one another for comfort, solidarity, and practical support. As the social safety nets we might have expected to rely on are cut, community building and mutual aid networks become ever more crucial, and all this is love in action. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

So in the week to come \u2013 maybe on Valentine\u2019s Day itself, this Friday \u2013 I encourage you to take a more expansive view on love than the one the purveyors of cards, chocolate, and flowers are selling. Take a moment to appreciate your people \u2013 all of your \u2018significant others\u2019 \u2013 and consider how you can honour established relationships, nurture new connections, and express your love all year round. And if you feel you need more love in your life \u2013 of whatever flavour \u2013 be it romantic, platonic, playful, compassionate, or self-love (maybe approach that question with openness and let life surprise you) \u2013 why not you could make the first move to reach out and connect, as bell hooks said, to \u2018openly and honestly express care, affection, responsibility, respect, commitment, and trust.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ll close with a very short blessing from Unitarian Universalist Laura Riordan Berardi:\n\nMay we find love in the here and now: \nlove in our hearts, love for the broken-down,\nlove for the lonely, love for those yet to feel whole,\nlove for those in-between, love for those out of our reach.\nMay we find love, add love, and be love in this world. \nAnd may it be so for the greater good of all. Amen.\n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Reflection by Jane Blackall<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n