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Sermon #54 (21st November 2021 at Essex Church \/ Kensington Unitarians)<\/strong><\/p>\n Once upon a time \u2013 it seems to me \u2013 there was a \u2018one size fits all\u2019 approach to hospitality. You could, at least in principle, consult an etiquette guide which would spell out in fine detail the proper way to conduct yourself as a host or as a guest (in a particular cultural context). And most of us will likely have been brought up with at least an approximate sense of what counts as \u2018good manners\u2019 relative to the expectations of the class and culture we grew up in.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n In the piece we just heard, Jeffrey Lockwood is pretty clear about what is required of him if he is to be a \u2018good guest\u2019, and that\u2019s to \u2018ask little, accept what is offered, and give thanks\u2019. He\u2019s making a broader point of course \u2013 these are good principles for being \u2018a guest of the world\u2019 \u2013 but consider his examples of consuming live fish, horse steak, and fermented mare\u2019s milk vodka on his globe-trotting travels. The message is that a virtuous visitor should just eat up and be glad.<\/p>\n By this measure I\u2019d be a very bad guest. I don\u2019t think I could bring myself to eat much on his menu. And in this day and age we might well be concerned to allow for people\u2019s ethical principles \u2013 what about the guest who is vegan or vegetarian \u2013 who has allergies \u2013 or religious constraints? Perhaps if we\u2019re in a place where food is scarce then we might think differently. And if someone has offered you their best, a local delicacy, to honour you, it seems a poor show to turn your nose up at it. But the rules for being a \u2018good guest\u2019 are perhaps not as clear-cut as they once seemed. If we reflect on the matter more deeply we might well uncover some conflicting values\/priorities which are at stake. What\u2019s the more important consideration: honouring the host\u2019s offering or upholding, say, your vegan principles? Or from the other side, as the host, what\u2019s more important: offering food which is culturally significant to you, or accommodating the guest\u2019s preferences? This sort of balancing act, this back-and-forth of anticipating each other\u2019s needs and preferences, and the values, expectations, boundaries, resources that lie behind them, seems key to hospitality.<\/p>\n In preparing this service I temporarily disappeared down a rabbit-hole of contemporary online articles on \u2018how to be a good guest\u2019 and \u2018how to be a good host\u2019. In conclusion: it\u2019s complicated. Many of the tips I found were cancelled out by other tips stating more or less the opposite advice somewhere else (for example \u2018Guests: take the initiative to make yourself comfortable and state your needs, as hosts can\u2019t read your mind\u2019 vs \u2018Guests: don\u2019t ask your hosts to turn the heating up, just put an extra jumper on, rather than risk imposing on your hosts or embarrassing them\u2019). Still, a few common threads emerged, which might be useful principles for us to bear in mind both as individuals and as a congregation attempting to practice hospitality and \u2018Welcome All Souls\u2019.<\/p>\n One key aspect of hospitality is sensitivity to the particular needs and preferences of your guests. On a very mundane level this might mean checking about any dietary restrictions they might have, you know, before you serve up the pig\u2019s ears. But there are more subtle things to be aware of too. In Tom Owen-Towle\u2019s reflection, which Sonya read for us earlier, he spoke about the importance of reflecting on aspects of our practice, our norms, our ways of being as a congregation, and being alert to the ways in which we might inadvertently be making people feel unwelcome or excluded. And as the years go by we \u2013 if we are paying attention \u2013 become aware of more and more ways in which we can do better in this regard. One example: over the last few years I\u2019ve begun to get a bit of insight into issues relating to neurodiversity \u2013 that is, issues which affect autistic people, people with ADHD, dyslexia, dyspraxia, highly sensitive people and (depending on how broadly you define it) people with mental health diagnoses and dispositions to anxiety, depression \u2013 there\u2019s a lot we need to learn about how different people experience the world differently.<\/p>\n In a way this is stating the obvious but it\u2019s an error to assume that everybody has the same needs and preferences that we do (and if we only offer precisely the sort of hospitality we would want to receive then we\u2019ll likely only be truly welcoming to people who are very much like us \u2013 which I don\u2019t think is our intention \u2013 it\u2019s like the difference between the \u2018golden rule\u2019 and the \u2018platinum rule\u2019 \u2013 the higher aspiration is surely to treat other people as they would wish to be treated). We could be far more welcoming to a more diverse spectrum of people if we listened to what people in different groups \u2013 such as the neurodiverse community \u2013 are saying about their needs. Often it seems that small, and easily overlooked, adaptations \u2013 such as giving a wider range of options for participation \u2013making available (before the event) detailed and accurate information about what to expect \u2013 and allowing people a pass option or an easy exit route \u2013 make our gatherings more accessible for all. This is just one example, but one that Tom Owen-Towle wouldn\u2019t have been aware of when he wrote his reflection twenty years ago, so I offer it as a reminder that there is always more to learn, and we shouldn\u2019t rest on our laurels when it comes to offering a truly inclusive welcome.<\/p>\n Another thing that seems important is to be clear about expectations (and then, crucially, stick to any agreements you make, to avoid setting anyone up for anxiety, embarrassment, or resentment). It\u2019s alright, in fact it\u2019s healthy, for both host and guest to set the limits and boundaries you need. If, as a host, your default assumption is \u2018my house, my rules\u2019, it is worth spelling out those rules as best you can, ahead of time, especially if any of them are a bit unexpected or out of the ordinary. Then, your prospective guest knows what they\u2019re in for, and perhaps if they don\u2019t like the sound of it they can choose not to come, or at least they can come prepared. And there\u2019s been a lot more of this sort of explicit spelling-out-of-expectations in the past year or so of pandemic. As the official Covid-restrictions have come and gone there has been \u2013 at least in the circles I move in \u2013 a lot of care taken over negotiation of consent around in-person meet-ups to account for everybody\u2019s differing levels of risk-tolerance. If someone invites you over there might be a preliminary check-in: What are our expectations and our boundaries at this moment? Will we be outdoors or indoors? Distanced or not? Masks or no-masks? Hugging or no hugging? Will we all take lateral flow tests? Such considerations are a very real aspect of what it means to be a good host (and guest) in 2021. Which is not to say there\u2019s necessarily a right answer \u2013 again, no \u2018one size fits all\u2019 \u2013 but whatever you decide will rule some people in and some people out. As long as you communicate it clearly \u2013 and, crucially, follow through on the agreements you make around these boundaries \u2013 then your guests can make informed choices about where they feel comfortable, safe, and welcome. Covid-safety is the obvious example with which to illustrate the idea at this moment in history but there are many more run-of-the-mill areas in which everyone could benefit from such clarity.<\/p>\n And though there\u2019s so much more than we could say about hospitality than I have time for this morning I\u2019ll perhaps just offer one more aspect to consider and that\u2019s the value of give-and-take. Mutuality. Hospitality implies a generosity of spirit that goes both ways. Our meditation, by John O\u2019Donohue, concluded \u2018no visitor arrives without a gift and no guest leaves without a blessing\u2019. And spiritual writer Marjorie J. Thompson has also got something to say on the matter. She writes: \u2018In offering shelter, nourishment, rest, and enjoyment to our guests, we often discover that they gift us with their presence. The relationship of host and guest is a mutual one; the very root of the word \u2018hospitality\u2019, \u2018hospes\u2019, means both host and guest.\u2019 She continues: \u2018Hospitality entails providing for the need, comfort, and delight of the other with all the openness, respect, freedom, tenderness, and joy that love itself embodies\u2026 Hospitality is concerned with the total well-being of the guest. It is a movement to include the guests in the very best of what we ourselves have received and can therefore offer. It is the act of sharing who we are as well as what we have. Thus, hospitality of the heart lies beneath every hospitable act.\u2019 Words by Marjorie J. Thompson.<\/p>\n In today\u2019s complex and ever-changing world, we probably know better, don\u2019t we, than to try and codify the art of being a good host, or good guest, in a simple set of etiquette rules to be followed. There are, perhaps, virtues to which both host and guest might aspire: sensitivity, awareness, caring, generosity, clear communication, gratitude. You might have qualities you\u2019d add to this list. Maybe we can think of it as being more like a dance, in which host and guest might hope to tune in to each other\u2019s needs, carefully communicate their expectations and boundaries, and show generosity of spirit \u2013 especially in those moments when they tread on one another\u2019s toes.<\/p>\n Sermon by Jane Blackall<\/strong><\/p>\n An audio recording of this sermon is available:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n