{"id":244,"date":"2016-10-03T11:11:55","date_gmt":"2016-10-03T10:11:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.rebelrebel.org.uk\/?p=244"},"modified":"2016-10-03T11:13:29","modified_gmt":"2016-10-03T10:13:29","slug":"244","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.rebelrebel.org.uk\/?p=244","title":{"rendered":"Self-Care and Self-Compassion"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"53931935<\/a><\/p>\n

Sermon #19 (2nd October 2016\u00a0at Essex Church \/ Kensington Unitarians)\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Compassion is something that we talk about quite a lot here in church. It is perhaps one of the key religious values, or practices, one which cuts across many different traditions. Many of you may be aware of the \u2018Charter for Compassion\u2019 \u2013 a campaign launched by the writer and popular theologian Karen Armstrong in 2009 \u2013 she used this central value of compassion as a focal point to bring together individuals and organisations of all faiths and none, inviting them \u2013 inviting us \u2013 to sign up to a set of affirmations about the need to reaffirm and enact compassion in every sphere of our lives (and our own religious denomination here in the UK, The General Assembly of Unitarian Free Christian Churches, officially became a signatory of the Charter for Compassion a year or two after its launch, endorsing its call for a restoration of compassion as the central value of religion and morality).<\/p>\n

So, I\u2019m sure you\u2019ll be reassured to know, we\u2019re officially in favour of compassion! That\u2019s the party line, as it were, and it\u2019s probably one of the least contentious generalisations you can make about Unitarians… But we don\u2019t talk about self-compassion quite so much. It seems to me when people hear the phrase \u2018self-compassion\u2019 (if they hear it at all) it conjures up thoughts of selfishness, self-centredness, self-indulgence, qualities quite at odds with the acts of self-giving and self-sacrifice which we might more readily associate with compassion.<\/p>\n

Indeed the Charter for Compassion itself contains the following sentence: \u2018Compassion impels us to work tirelessly to alleviate the suffering of our fellow creatures, to dethrone ourselves from the centre of our world and put another there, and to honour the inviolable sanctity of every single human being, treating everybody, without exception, with absolute justice, equity and respect.\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n

It seems to me that the phrase \u2018to dethrone ourselves from the centre of our world\u2019 might play into the notion that everybody is important except ourselves<\/em>. This idea seems to me to be slightly in tension with the final phrase, about \u2018treating everybody, without exception, with absolute justice, equity, and respect\u2019. Of course the Charter for Compassion was written with a certain agenda in mind \u2013 its focus was perhaps more about fostering points of connection between faiths \u2013 and its rush to do that it perhaps inadvertently did down the need for self-compassion. And in fact when Karen Armstrong wrote her follow-up book a few years later, \u2018Twelve Steps to a Compassionate Life\u2019, step three was all about compassion for yourself. In that book she wrote: \u2018The late Rabbi Albert Friedlander impressed upon me the importance of the biblical commandment \u201cLove your neighbour as yourself.\u201d I had always concentrated on the first part of that injunction, but Albert taught me that if you cannot love yourself, you cannot love other people either.\u2019<\/em> She goes on to state that: \u2018Once you have started to feel genuine compassion for yourself, [then] you will be able to extend it to others.\u2019 <\/em><\/p>\n

This point seems really important to me and worth dwelling on for a moment. I expect many of you will have heard this comparison before but I often think of the analogy to the safety announcement that is made on airplanes \u2013 when the air steward tells you that in the event of an emergency you should be sure to put on your own oxygen mask first \u2013 before you start trying to help anyone else \u2013 because you\u2019re not going to be any help to anyone else if you stop breathing. There are a lot of people out there (especially women) who feel it\u2019s their duty to prioritise everybody else\u2019s needs ahead of their own \u2013 selflessly taking care of everything and everyone except themselves \u2013 routinely and habitually putting their own needs last. But this is a way of being that is ultimately extremely wearing \u2013 it can lead to burnout, fatigue, and ill-health \u2013 not to mention resentment and distorted dynamics in relationships. Like we heard in the reading from Antony earlier on – we will feel the effects in the end. I would say \u2013 as in so many things \u2013 striving for a healthy balance of self-and-other is key.<\/p>\n

The Quaker writer Parker J. Palmer takes the same idea a bit further, and draws out what we might call the religious dimension of self-care in the words that are on the front of your order of service today. He says: \u2018Self-care is never a selfish act \u2014 it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others. Anytime we can listen to the true self and give it the care that it requires, we do so not only for ourselves but for the many others whose lives we touch.\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n

So \u2013 if we accept that self-care is \u2018good stewardship\u2019 which we do \u2018not only for ourselves but for the many others whose lives we touch\u2019 \u2013 perhaps we can move on to ask: what does self-care look like in practice? It will, of course, look a little different for each and every one of us. But there a few common strands that we can perhaps draw out and focus on to help each of us get a clearer sense of how we can practice self-care in our own lives.<\/p>\n

The first, most basic strand of self-care is what we might call \u2018maintenance\u2019 or \u2018adulting\u2019. The original inspiration for today\u2019s sermon was a rather blunt article called \u2018What Nobody Tells You About Self-Care\u2019<\/a> by Mawiyah Patten, which did the rounds online a few weeks ago. Here\u2019s a little excerpt of her hard-won wisdom. \u2018What people don\u2019t often tell you is that self-care can be completely terrible. Self-care includes a lot of adult-ing, and activities you want to put off indefinitely. Self-care sometimes means making tough decisions which you fear others will judge. Self-care involves asking for help; it involves vulnerability; it involves being painfully honest with yourself and your loved ones about what you need…\u2019<\/em> She also goes on to talk about attending to medical matters (making dental appointments and eye-tests, turning up for smears and mammograms), financial matters (bracing yourself to check your bank balance regularly, paying your bills) and practical domestic matters (like mending and maintaining the things about the house you need, staying vaguely on top of paperwork, and keeping a reasonably orderly environment). The sort of things that are all too easy to let slide when you are not looking after yourself. One way of motivating yourself to do this necessary but un-fun self-care is to think about your future self almost as a separate person. You\u2019re doing a kindness for Future-You.<\/p>\n

In that same article Mawiyah Patten also makes reference to the second strand of self-care that I want to mention \u2013 though she does so in a slightly backhanded way \u2013 and I\u2019m going to call this strand \u2018little boosts\u2019. It\u2019s the sort of self-care that you might be most likely to read about in glossy magazines. She says: \u2018Typically when self-care is referenced, the speaker is referring to activities and experiences that bring you pleasure. \u201cGo to a yoga class. Take a walk on a sunny day. Protect your leisure time. Get a [manicure]. Soak in a bubble bath. Treat yo\u2019self.\u201d<\/em>\u2019 And although she\u2019s a bit flippant about it she also says: \u2018Pleasure is great, and it is important. During seasons when I am depressed, I force myself to indulge in pleasure as though it were a lifeline… feeling bad all day, every day, is exhausting. It\u2019s not good for your body, or your heart, or your psyche.\u2019<\/em> When everything is getting on top of you, a bit of escapism is OK, I reckon \u2013 temporarily soothing or distracting activities can provide a \u2018little boost\u2019 to help you get by \u2013 watch undemanding TV, get out a jigsaw puzzle, go dancing, have the classic bubble bath \u2013 it\u2019s not like you\u2019re going to run away from your troubles or the world\u2019s troubles forever. It is totally legitimate to claim a bit of breathing space to recover and regather yourself.<\/p>\n

As an aside: the wonderful journalist-activist Laurie Penny has written a terrific article on this matter, entitled \u2018Life Hacks of the Poor and Aimless\u2019<\/a>, in which she speaks up for self-care whilst offering a robust critique of what you might call the \u2018wellness industry\u2019. She notes that many of those who are most concerned about the state of the world, those of us who engage in various forms of activism to try and make things better, those people are full of compassion for others but often spectacularly bad at self-care. You might say that these people \u2013 us people? \u2013 often forget to put our own oxygen masks on in our rush to show concern to others and put things right in a world where the suffering and injustice around us seems overwhelming. Laurie Penny has got this to say on the matter: \u2018The [hard, dull] work of self-care is about the everyday, impossible effort of getting up and getting through your life in a world that would prefer you cowed and compliant… I\u2019m sick and tired of seeing the most brilliant people I know, the fighters and artists and mad radical thinkers whose lives\u2019 work might actually improve the world, treat themselves (and each other) in ludicrously awful ways… I sometimes take a day off, because it became apparent that the revolution was not being driven any faster by my being sick and sad all the time. Late Capitalism is as good an excuse of any for not getting out of bed, but huddling under the covers worrying about Donald Trump is a very inefficient way of sticking it to the man.\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n

This brings us to a third strand of self-care \u2013 the sort we need in emergencies. If you take a look in your order of service you may already have discovered that along with your green hymn-sheet there also is a little blue worksheet and on the back of that there is something entitled \u2018Everything is Awful and I\u2019m Not OK\u2019<\/a>. This is a transcript of something that has been circulating online for a while now \u2013 it\u2019s primarily aimed at people who are in a very bad way, maybe with depression \u2013 but I think it\u2019s something which may contain nuggets of practical wisdom for each of us. When we get into a bit of a state of one sort or another the sort of self-care that is called for is more like first-aid. And I think it\u2019s useful to have a list like this on hand to help keep us afloat \u2013 prompting us to attend to our basic physical needs, emotional needs, social needs \u2013 and giving us a few nudges to change our perspective and help us hold on until something shifts.<\/p>\n

The fourth and final strand of self-care that I want to highlight kind-of takes us back to where we started. It\u2019s about working on our underlying attitudes and habits. And as such you might say it\u2019s about self-compassion as a spiritual practice. About unreservedly including ourselves in our circle of compassion and simply being a little bit kinder to ourselves, in good times and bad. As you\u2019ll see, on this little blue slip, there\u2019s space for you to give this some thought, some questions and prompts relating to all four of these strands of self-care, which you could ponder when you get home to start assembling your own \u2018self-care toolkit\u2019. With that in mind, I\u2019ll close with a few words by the UU minister Sandra Fees, who says: \u2018Self-compassion allows us to embrace ourselves with kindness when things are going well and when they aren\u2019t going so well. It provides us with a balance, with a stability in our emotional life. We can begin to see our own inherent worth and dignity, and honour it… Compassion is a human need. We each need to love and be loved… As with compassion toward others, compassion toward self takes commitment and practice. May we learn to be good friends to ourselves.\u2019 <\/em><\/p>\n

Amen<\/p>\n

Sermon by Jane Blackall<\/strong><\/p>\n

An audio recording of this sermon is available:\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n\nhttp:\/\/www.kensington-unitarians.org.uk\/pod2011\/KU_jane.blackall_sermon_02.10.16.mp3<\/a><\/audio>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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