{"id":44,"date":"2014-12-04T13:47:40","date_gmt":"2014-12-04T13:47:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.rebelrebel.org.uk\/?p=44"},"modified":"2014-12-05T19:54:42","modified_gmt":"2014-12-05T19:54:42","slug":"a-push-and-a-pull","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.rebelrebel.org.uk\/?p=44","title":{"rendered":"A Push and a Pull"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"pushpull_logo\"<\/a><\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Sermon #6 (7th October 2012 at Essex Church \/ Kensington Unitarians)<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

In recent months \u2013 perhaps recent years \u2013 I\u2019ve noticed myself using a certain phrase in conversation. I\u2019ll be talking about some opportunity or event that\u2019s coming up and I\u2019ll say \u201cI have a push-pull feeling about it\u201d \u2013 whatever \u2018it\u2019 is. [I even noticed that I have a little push-pull gesture that usually goes along with it]. \u00a0Another way of putting it might be \u201cI want to and I don\u2019t want to\u201d.<\/p>\n

And what sort of thing might bring this feeling on? \u00a0Well, I\u2019m quite shy really, so for me it would often be situations that involve human contact, meeting new people, making small talk, having to perform in some way, anything where I might be in the spotlight and end up embarrassing myself. Like leading a service, for example\u2026<\/p>\n

There are many variations of this feeling, I think, and maybe you can recall situations when you\u2019ve felt this way \u2013 things that you feel simultaneously drawn towards and pushed away from \u2013 you want to have this new experience and yet something inside is holding you back. Sometimes it might be about a big life event \u2013 a new relationship, a change of \u00a0job, moving home \u2013 and sometimes it might be about something less dramatic like eating yoghurt for breakfast.<\/p>\n

In this sermon I\u2019m going to focus on this push-pull feeling: identifying examples of it in our everyday lives, considering what deeper message it might hold for us, and what (if anything) we might want \u00a0to do in response.<\/p>\n

So when I first spoke of this feeling to a friend he said \u2018oh, yes, ambivalence\u2019 \u2013 but I usually think of ambivalence as meaning \u2018I can take it or leave it\u2019 \u2013 and the feeling I was trying to describe is a bit stronger than that.\u00a0 It\u2019s got a bit of tension in it. It\u2019s the feeling towards something you\u2019d love to do \u2013 you *long* to do \u2013 and yet at the same time you have a sense of horror or dread about it.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s something that happens to me quite often and I wonder if it rings any bells with you \u2013 I plan something or make a commitment more-or-less enthusiastically; as the day approaches I start to feel increasingly uneasy (and the unease may progress to outright dread); but if I manage to resist the urge to bail out (or not bother) then, when it\u2019s over, I am glad that I\u2019ve done it because my world and my sense of self is a bit bigger than it was before \u2013 I\u2019ve broadened my horizons in some small way.<\/p>\n

Sometimes we might be very conscious of the \u2018pull\u2019, the \u2018yes\u2019, drawing us towards an experience, but quite unconscious of the \u2018push\u2019 or the \u2018no\u2019 which makes us draw back and avoid it. Here\u2019s an observation from my own experience. Not that long ago I was consciously feeling rather lonely and starved of human contact. But I noticed, somewhat to my horror, that whenever friends did go to put an arm around me or show affection in some other way, I physically dodged and swerved out of their way. I didn\u2019t intend to. It was the last thing I would have consciously chosen to do. But I was sabotaging the thing I most wanted and I don\u2019t know why.<\/p>\n

At other times we might be more conscious of the \u2018push\u2019 or the \u2018no\u2019, steering well clear of certain sorts of activities, and whatever \u2018pull\u2019 or \u2018yes\u2019 or tiny amount of desire we have to try them can be well-hidden. I guess that\u2019s how Fiona Robyn felt about yoghurt but on her holiday the urge to give it another try popped up unexpectedly. For most of my life I\u2019ve felt this way about dancing, sport, drama or anything that involves me having to be physically adept. I tell myself and anyone who asks that \u2018I don\u2019t do dancing\u2026\u2019 or sport, or drama, or whatever. But there has always been a well-hidden bit of me that knows I am in some sense missing out and would like to change the story.<\/p>\n

I invite you to focus on an area of your life where you are consciously aware of both the push and the pull. Is there something you\u2019d love to do but you\u2019re a bit scared about it? \u00a0I reckon the tension of this push-pull feeling is something we need to pay attention to. \u00a0It might be a sign that we\u2019ve got some work to do. It can show us our \u2018growing edge\u2019. If, like me, you have a tendency to avoid this sort of tension and discomfort at all costs, then you might be ignoring a cosmic signpost and missing a great opportunity.<\/p>\n

On the front of your order of service there are some pertinent words from Mary Anne Flanagan:<\/p>\n

\u2018Growing edges are the places in our life we really want to be and live our life from,\u00a0<\/em>but are too scared to go there. We can stay away from our growing edge because\u00a0<\/em>we fear failure (or even fear success). Going to our growing edge means breaking\u00a0<\/em>through our fears… It\u2019s going to places that might be uncomfortable… but not going\u00a0<\/em>there is even more painful. It\u2019s showing up to life even when we feel scared, lonely,\u00a0<\/em>worried, and insecure. It is time to emerge… to go to your growing edge.\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n

Last week, after the service, we had one of our \u2018Life\u2019s Ultimate Questions\u2019 workshops. For those of you haven\u2019t been to one of these sessions before, here\u2019s what happens: Me and Sarah pick a couple of questions from a long list of things that have been suggested by past participants – and we don\u2019t advertise them in advance \u2013 so these tricky ethical, philosophical and theological dilemmas are sprung on the group and we spend an hour or so sharing our thoughts on them in a structured way. Last week we decided to go for one of the more ultimate Ultimate Questions: \u2018what is the purpose of life (if there is one)?\u2019 There were all sorts of answers but one thread that came up for quite a few people was \u2018to learn\/have experiences\u2019, \u2018to develop and grow\u2019,\u00a0 \u2018to live your life to the full\u2019, \u2018to fulfil your potential\u2019. If you feel this way too \u2013 that developing, growing and fulfilling your potential are the purpose of life (or at least one aspect of it) \u2013 then I reckon it\u2019s a spiritual task that needs life-long attention.<\/p>\n

So what should we do when we feel a push and a pull?<\/p>\n

I guess that many of you will be familiar with the book \u2018Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway\u2019 \u2013 a bit of a classic of the self-help genre \u2013 written by Susan Jeffers some 25 years ago. The whole point of this book is to get people to overcome the fears which are holding them back from fulfilling their potential. If you haven\u2019t read it I really recommend it \u2013 I read it about 10 years ago \u2013 and it gave me just enough of a push to take a few small but life-changing steps.<\/p>\n

Jeffers wrote this description of her very first \u2018Feel the Fear\u2019 class for a night-school prospectus:<\/p>\n

\u2018Whenever we take a chance and enter unfamiliar territory\u00a0<\/em>or put ourselves into the world in a new way, we experience fear.\u00a0<\/em>Very often this fear keeps us from moving ahead with our lives.\u00a0<\/em>The trick is to feel the fear and do it anyway.\u00a0<\/em>So many of us short-circuit our living by choosing the path that is most comfortable.\u00a0<\/em>Together we will explore the barriers that keep us from\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0experiencing life the way we want to live it.\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n

In the first chapter she describes a typical \u2018Feel the Fear\u2019 class where she invites people to list the things they are scared of. Firstly, the life events, large and small \u2013 changing career, making new friends, public speaking\u2026 She then peels away the layers \u2013 what are they *actually* scared of? At a deeper level, there are the feelings and states of mind that might result \u2013 rejection, embarrassment, vulnerability\u2026 Finally, she suggests that the one fear that underlies all these stated fears is \u201cI CAN\u2019T HANDLE IT\u201d And her strategy is to help people develop a sense of trust that they CAN handle it (whatever \u2018it\u2019 is).<\/p>\n

Jeffers says: \u2018The richer our lives, the more likely we are to experience the pain of loss.\u00a0<\/em>The more we are able to reach out into the world,\u00a0<\/em>the greater the likelihood is that we are going to experience \u201cfailure\u201d or rejection.\u00a0<\/em>But those who are living rich lives wouldn\u2019t change them for a moment.\u00a0<\/em>They delight in the opportunity to taste all that life has to offer \u2013 the good and the bad.\u00a0<\/em>Those who lead rich lives intuitively know the secret of saying YES to the universe.\u00a0<\/em>Those who say NO usually withdraw from life, choosing symbolically to hide under the covers,\u00a0<\/em>to keep themselves from becoming victims \u2013 ironically ending up victims of their own fears.\u2019\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

As Fiona Robyn said, \u2018Aversions might be keeping you from enjoying your life\u00a0<\/em>or holding you back from success. We turn down opportunities,\u00a0<\/em>we say ‘no’ when we’d really like to say yes,\u00a0<\/em>and we justify our decisions to ourselves in roundabout ways. Our lives narrow.\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n

So, let\u2019s try reaching out into the world a bit more, taking a few more risks in the name of growth.<\/p>\n

Like David Rankin said in the reading earlier:\u00a0\u2018Everything worth doing in the world is a gamble,\u00a0<\/em>a game of chance, where nothing is certain\u2026 if I refuse to risk myself,\u00a0<\/em>if I refuse to throw the dice, I am never really alive.\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n

I will add a small caveat, though, in the interests of health-and-safety! \u00a0Some years ago the comedian Eddie Izzard had a routine in which he spoke about an insight he had \u2013 being a transvestite, as he is, had forced him to face his fears, to go out and be himself in a world that was rather hostile \u2013 to paraphrase, he said that this experience of facing his fears had been the making of him \u2013 it had done him so much good that now, rather than running away<\/em>, he ran towards<\/em> things that scared him\u2026 however, he went on to add that this didn\u2019t include *everything* that scared him, such as running towards the edge of a cliff, and jumping off onto a big spike, for example. \u00a0So, you know, there are limits\u2026 (risks which support your personal growth, and don\u2019t harm others, are the ones we\u2019re talking about)<\/p>\n

Jeffers suggests that: \u2018each day you do something that widens your comfort zone.\u00a0<\/em>Call someone you are intimidated to call, ask for something you want\u00a0<\/em>that you have been too frightened to ask for before. Take a risk a day \u2013\u00a0<\/em>one small or bold stroke that will make you feel great once you\u2019ve done it\u00a0<\/em>– even if it doesn\u2019t work out the way you wanted to, at least you\u2019ve tried. You didn\u2019t sit back, powerless.\u2019\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

[If you want some really practical strategies for working on all this then do go and investigate the book]<\/p>\n

So try to notice next time you feel \u2018a push and a pull\u2019 \u2013 that sense of \u2018I want to and I don\u2019t want to\u2019 \u2013 and see if it is alerting you to a \u2018growing edge\u2019 that needs your attention. And I invite you to ponder a step that you can take \u2013 maybe even one you can take today \u2013 that will nudge at the edge of your comfort zone and make your life just a little bit bigger. Maybe something quite small \u2013 yoghurt-sized! \u2013 maybe something more substantially life-changing. What would that be for you?\u00a0 I encourage you to identify one small step, and maybe share that with someone at coffee-time after the service, you could check in with each other about it again at a later date.<\/p>\n

One final thought: on the wayside pulpit outside we have a quote from James Luther Adams:<\/p>\n

\u2018Church is a place where you get to practice what it means to be human\u2019. <\/em><\/p>\n

At its best, this church can also be a place of transformation, where we are invited to break through our limitations, and supported in the life-long project of fulfilling our potential \u2013 the spiritual task of becoming all that we can be.<\/p>\n

Amen.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Sermon by Jane Blackall<\/strong><\/p>\n

An audio recording of this sermon is available:<\/strong><\/p>\n\nhttp:\/\/www.kensington-unitarians.org.uk\/pod2011\/KU_jane.blackall_sermon_07.10.12.mp3<\/a><\/audio>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Sermon #6 (7th October 2012 at Essex Church \/ Kensington Unitarians) In recent months \u2013 perhaps recent years \u2013 I\u2019ve noticed myself using a certain phrase in conversation. I\u2019ll be talking about some opportunity or event that\u2019s coming up and<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[3],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.rebelrebel.org.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/44"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.rebelrebel.org.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.rebelrebel.org.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.rebelrebel.org.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.rebelrebel.org.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=44"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/www.rebelrebel.org.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/44\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":103,"href":"http:\/\/www.rebelrebel.org.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/44\/revisions\/103"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.rebelrebel.org.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=44"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.rebelrebel.org.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=44"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.rebelrebel.org.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=44"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}