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Sermon #31 (5th August 2018 at Essex Church \/ Kensington Unitarians)<\/strong><\/p>\n This Sunday is the first tackling our new theme for the month of August: \u2018Paying Attention\u2019. And this morning I want to talk about a particular kind of paying-attention \u2013 I knew what I wanted to explore today as soon as we set the month\u2019s theme \u2013 but, even now, as I stand here… I don\u2019t know exactly what to call it. It\u2019s something a bit elusive. Just for now \u2013 just to be getting on with \u2013 let\u2019s call it \u2018sensitivity\u2019. <\/p>\n The distilled message of today\u2019s service is this: There\u2019s nearly always more going on in any given situation than is apparent at face value and we could \u2013 and maybe should<\/em> \u2013 put a bit more effort into paying attention to these subtexts and subtleties, into reading between the lines, listening out for what\u2019s not being said, the stories untold. I reckon it would be of benefit to everyone if we could each cultivate greater personal sensitivity in order to have a better sense of what\u2019s going on around us (by which I mean: what\u2019s really<\/em> going on). <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Arguably, some of us are just born more sensitive than others, in the most literal sense: there\u2019s been quite a bit written about this in the last twenty years or so but the most well-known voice on the subject is Elaine Aron, a clinical psychologist, whose book \u2018The Highly Sensitive Person\u2019 claims that about 20% of the population could be said to have what a hypersensitive nervous system. That\u2019s a physical thing. It\u2019s about the equipment we\u2019ve got for doing perception with: for seeing, hearing, feeling. According to Aron, this 20%, the \u2018Highly Sensitive People\u2019 of this world, just pick up more: they automatically tune in to what is going on around them and find it hard to switch off. They tend to sense and process everything very deeply, tune in to how others are feeling, and as a result tend to have great empathy, and to worry about others\u2019 well-being a lot. <\/p>\n So maybe you\u2019re one of that 20% who got a physiological head-start when it comes to sensitivity. Or maybe you know that you\u2019re at the other extreme, in terms of what you were born with \u2013 not necessarily in<\/em>sensitive, but perhaps you tend to be a bit oblivious sometimes, despite your best efforts \u2013 and there\u2019s no judgement implied in this. It\u2019s not that one\u2019s morally better than the other. This neurological sensitivity is just the hand we\u2019re dealt \u2013 the dispositional raw material \u2013 it\u2019s good to have some awareness of what our baseline level of sensitivity is BUT we all have choices about what we do with the perceptual equipment we\u2019ve been given. And we can all choose<\/em> to cultivate personal sensitivity as a virtue, to work on building it up. Of course it\u2019s not quite<\/em> like building up your biceps; as far as I know there aren\u2019t yet any \u2018sensitivity gyms\u2019 out there where you can go to strengthen your sensitivity muscles… though perhaps that\u2019s one of the things we can work on together here at church, if we think it\u2019s worth doing. Strengthening our capacity to discern \u2018what\u2019s going on\u2019. For most of us, there\u2019s going to be a certain amount of personal development involved.<\/p>\n And I should say, in passing, that to actively cultivate sensitivity, even to see it as a positive, is a pretty counter-cultural thing to do. When I was doing my research for this service I started out by googling something like \u2018how to be sensitive\u2019 and when results came up I was confused. It said: \u2018showing results for how to be LESS sensitive\u2019. Not what I asked for! One of the first results was an Agony Aunt column in the Guardian entitled: \u2018I’m too sensitive. How can I toughen up?\u2019<\/em> (it wasn\u2019t a fun read; because it wasn\u2019t a kind read). I get it \u2013 it\u2019s hard to be sensitive in this world \u2013 you tend to get overwhelmed by the too-much-ness of everything and you\u2019re prone to be mocked and knocked by those who are more bullish. So I can see why people might write to an agony aunt to say \u2018please save me from my own sensitivity\u2019<\/em>. But it makes me really sad too. Because, looking it another way, sensitivity is a secret superpower. It\u2019s the power of super senses: to see with open eyes, hear with open ears, feel with an open heart. Yet the world we\u2019re living struggles to imagine why anyone might see it in these positive terms. <\/p>\n Let\u2019s broaden this out a bit now, though, and return to the question: \u2018what\u2019s going on?\u2019… In any given situation, what does it mean<\/em> \u2013 and what does it look like in practice \u2013 to be more sensitive, to pay more attention, to truly open our eyes, ears, heart and mind to others? Well, there are various dimensions to interpersonal and social sensitivity. It could include: <\/p>\n – really listening to what people are saying, especially when they speak about themselves and the stories of their lives, and doing our best to remember what they\u2019ve said and handle it with care; <\/p>\n – reading people\u2019s feelings and picking up on what\u2019s not being said out loud (and perhaps why<\/em> it\u2019s not); <\/p>\n – being aware of the larger social and political context and how it\u2019s affecting people, their conduct, and their opportunities in life; and<\/p>\n – empathising with others to try and understand their experience; to be curious, to notice what struggles they are facing, and what burdens they have to carry.<\/p>\n Even just bearing in mind that the way we are personally experiencing a given situation is not necessarily the way everybody else is experiencing a situation \u2013 because each of us is bringing our own context, circumstances, and accumulated life history along for the ride \u2013 so we\u2019ve all got our own very particular goggles through which we interpret our experiences \u2013 even bearing that<\/em> in mind is a good start when it comes to sensing \u2018what\u2019s really<\/em> going on\u2019. <\/p>\n And as the quotation on the front of the orders of service suggests, it does require intentional effort from us \u2013 in the words of Leslie Jamison: \u2018Empathy isn\u2019t just something that happens to us \u2014 a meteor shower of synapses firing across the brain \u2014 it\u2019s also a choice we make: to pay attention, to extend ourselves.\u2019<\/em> I like that phrase \u2013 \u2018to extend ourselves\u2019 \u2013 for me it really speaks of reaching out towards others. And I\u2019d add, beyond \u2018paying attention\u2019 in the most basic sense, it\u2019s also a choice we make to be curious about other people\u2019s reality (or not). We can choose to ask ourselves (or we can choose not to bother asking): \u2018what\u2019s going on beneath the surface here?\u2019 or \u2018what\u2019s the bigger picture?\u2019<\/p>\n There\u2019s another question you might be asking: \u2018what\u2019s the point?\u2019 And it\u2019s a fair question: none of this sensitivity, and awareness, and paying attention to \u2018what\u2019s going on\u2019 makes much difference unless it helps bring about more caring attitudes and actions. Luckily there\u2019s no shortage of opportunities to practice this sort of sensitivity in everyday life. Here\u2019s a made-up, slightly caricatured example of the sort of situation I\u2019m talking about. A thumbnail sketch – picture the scene: You\u2019re in the pub, after work, with colleagues. There\u2019s about eight of you sat around a big table chatting away. And your mate Phil, who\u2019s quite senior, suggests that the gang should go on to eat at quite a fancy new restaurant in town. Several people nod and seem enthusiastic about the idea of going for a fancy meal and going on past form that\u2019ll probably mean that everyone falls in behind the plan. But you notice that a few of the others have gone quiet or look slightly awkward. There\u2019s Nina, who\u2019s young, only recently moved to London, and relatively new to the job. You\u2019ve picked up the impression that she\u2019s quite hard up \u2013 and more generally, you know how hard it is for young people to make ends meet in London these days \u2013 and you wonder\u2026 perhaps she can\u2019t really afford to pay for such a fancy night out\u2026 but then she might feel pressure to go anyway, even if she can\u2019t afford it, to try and fit in with her new workmates\u2026 especially as it was Phil\u2019s idea, and he\u2019s her senior. And then there\u2019s Geoff, who\u2019s just come back to work after having a knee replacement, he\u2019s not totally comfortable walking on it yet, and he\u2019s a bit fed up more generally about having had to get it done in the first place because it really makes him feel his age. You suspect he\u2019s going to struggle a bit with the long walk to the restaurant \u2013 and it\u2019s upstairs too, on the second floor, without a lift. But he\u2019ll be too proud to say anything. And Ali \u2013 she\u2019s told you privately that she\u2019s recovering from an eating disorder \u2013 so social events that are based around food are difficult for her, full stop. You guess she\u2019ll just make her excuses and go home early. And what\u2019s up with Steve? He\u2019s looked a bit out of sorts all night but you can\u2019t tell what\u2019s up. But at the same time you know that Phil \u2013 the one who suggested the restaurant thing in the first place \u2013 he\u2019s going through a rough patch himself. He\u2019s finding work really stressful, he lives alone, and these Friday nights out with his colleagues are the only time he really relaxes and connects with others. This suggestion of a nice meal out might mean more to Phil than everybody else realises\u2026 and so on, and on\u2026 everybody round the table (including you) has got their own stuff going on. None of it\u2019s being said or acknowledged out loud, in the moment, round the table. And all of your internal assessments of \u2018what\u2019s going on\u2019 will take place in the blink of an eye. <\/p>\n So \u2013 once you\u2019ve paid attention \u2013 once you\u2019ve got a reasonable guess about \u2018what\u2019s going on\u2019 \u2013 then what? Well, you can\u2019t necessarily fix<\/em> the situation for anyone else (though in the situation I\u2019ve just described, you might be able to make a small intervention which eases the difficulty for some<\/em> of the others, for example by suggesting you all go to the chip shop round the corner instead \u2013 cheap and close \u2013 though that doesn\u2019t solve everybody\u2019s problems). But it\u2019s not really about being able to fix things, or rescue people. It\u2019s about seeing and hearing them as real<\/em>. So if you notice that someone\u2019s been in a tricky spot, and there\u2019s nothing you can do to help, or you don\u2019t even know exactly what\u2019s wrong, you could at least check in with them later and give them a chance to talk about it (if they want to). That, in itself, could be of great value. <\/p>\n Now, I haven\u2019t described anything out of the ordinary there. Pretty much any interaction with human beings – friends, family, colleagues or acquaintances – will have some of these undercurrents going on. And hopefully this imagined scene will have helped bring to mind occasions both when you\u2019ve been the one \u2018reading the room\u2019, striving to be sensitive to \u2018what\u2019s going on\u2019 for others \u2013 but also occasions when you\u2019ve been the one who\u2019s in an awkward situation, struggling a bit, the one who\u2019s been glad when someone else has seen \u2018what\u2019s going on\u2019, stepped up, shown a bit of sensitivity or tact, and looked out for you in some compassionate way. And I guess you might also be reminded of situations when it\u2019s not turned out that well. <\/p>\n There\u2019s a whole other side to this topic that I can\u2019t possibly do justice to this morning, but which I should at least acknowledge before bringing this sermon to a close, and that\u2019s the shadow side of this sort of sensitivity. It can lead to a sort of martyrdom \u2013 where we attune to others\u2019 needs but neglect our own. It can be anxiety-provoking \u2013 if not exhausting \u2013 to try and take on the whole world\u2019s troubles (especially when we\u2019ve most likely got plenty of our own already). In trying to read between the lines \u2013 we might end up seeing things that aren\u2019t really there \u2013convincing ourselves that we know \u2018what\u2019s going on\u2019 for the other person better than they do. We can take it too far \u2013 our concern for others can tip over into almost invasive interference. There are these various pitfalls to look out for. And even when we get it \u2018right\u2019 there are questions we could ask about who typically ends up taking responsibility for this sort of care \u2013 you may have heard people speak about the unfair division of \u2018emotional labour\u2019 \u2013 the tendency for the same few people (often women) to take on all the worrying about other people\u2019s feelings\/well-being \u2013 while others abdicate responsibility, to a greater or lesser extent.<\/p>\n Even so \u2013 with all those cautions noted \u2013 I reckon our world could do with a bit more sensitivity… and I hope today\u2019s service will have encouraged some of you to apply yourself to its cultivation and to speak out for the virtue of sensitivity in a world which so often tells us to \u2018toughen up\u2019. <\/p>\n So, let us ponder the ways in which each of us might develop ever greater sensitivity \u2013 it is a secret superpower, after all! \u2013 and let\u2019s make the choice, again and again, to extend ourselves, to empathetically reach out towards others, in a spirit of care and compassion. <\/p>\n And in the week to come, as we go about our daily business, let us pause from time to time, to pay attention, and to ask that question: \u2018what\u2019s going on?\u2019 (\u2018no, what\u2019s really <\/em>going on?\u2019). May we truly open our eyes, ears, hearts and minds to those we encounter along the way. <\/p>\n Amen.<\/p>\n Sermon by Jane Blackall<\/strong><\/p>\n An audio recording of this sermon is available:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n