{"id":201,"date":"2016-01-12T14:09:16","date_gmt":"2016-01-12T14:09:16","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.rebelrebel.org.uk\/?p=201"},"modified":"2016-04-04T10:28:59","modified_gmt":"2016-04-04T09:28:59","slug":"let-your-yeah-be-yeah","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.rebelrebel.org.uk\/?p=201","title":{"rendered":"Let Your Yeah Be Yeah"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"yeahbeyeah\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Sermon #15 (16th September\u00a02015\u00a0at Essex Church \/ Kensington Unitarians)\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

In the Gospel of Matthew, towards the end of chapter five, after the Beatitudes, Jesus is reported to have said the following words:
\n\u2018I say to you, do not swear at all: neither by heaven, for it is God\u2019s throne; nor by the earth, for it is His footstool; nor by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King. Nor shall you swear by your head, because you cannot make one hair white or black. But let your \u2018Yes\u2019 be \u2018Yes,\u2019 and your \u2018No,\u2019 \u2018No.\u2019 For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n

This verse is generally taken to be about forbidding the practice of swearing oaths. The idea is famously taken very seriously by the Quakers \u2013 for them, the idea is that to swear an oath implies that you have a double-standard of truth \u2013 if you\u2019re saying \u2018no, this time, I swear on the bible, it\u2019s true\u2019 then does that mean we can\u2019t<\/em> trust what you say the rest of the time? The Quakers historically have had such a commitment to integrity that it is understood that one must speak the whole truth at all times.\u00a0It\u2019s all about saying what you mean and meaning what you say, without fail, in every situation.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

So this is one interpretation of that particular saying, \u2018let your yes be yes, and your no, no\u2019, but over the next twelve minutes or so, let\u2019s consider the issue a bit more broadly than that. For me, it\u2019s not just about those highly charged situations where you might swear an oath,\u00a0but every scenario in our everyday life where we say \u2018yes\u2019 or \u2018no\u2019 to the people around us. I want to consider the way we go about making commitments to each other (and to ourselves) – big and small, implicit and explicit, partial and total, conditional and unconditional \u2013 how we can get better at making and following through on those commitments, and how saying a wholehearted \u2018YES\u2019 (even in the face of doubt) can change your life.<\/p>\n

Hopefully at least some of you are familiar with the classic Jimmy Cliff reggae song \u2018Let Your Yeah be Yeah\u2019 which inspired the title of this service. The lyrics to that song bring the issue right back down to earth, to our everyday interpersonal aggravations, and articulate the frustrations of hearing \u2018yeses\u2019 and \u2018noes\u2019 that we can\u2019t rely on:\u2018You keep telling me yes \u2013 but you don\u2019t mean it. You keep telling me no\u00a0<\/em>\u2013 and try to lean it. You\u2019re giving me buts and maybes \u2013 <\/em>you know this will drive me crazy. Why can\u2019t you tell it like it is?\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n

It\u2019s a reasonable enough question, isn\u2019t it? Why can\u2019t we always tell it like it is? Or why don\u2019t we? When think about this my first instinct is, of course, to dredge up a list of past grievances,\u00a0and recall every time I have ever felt let down or messed around by someone in this way.<\/p>\n

Two examples: I decided to have a party (this doesn\u2019t happen often). Weeks in advance, a bunch of people said yes, but then one by one they made their various excuses and dropped out, until there were only two of us left, and I felt rather dejected, and called off the party altogether. So you could say that their \u2018yeah\u2019 wasn\u2019t really \u2018yeah\u2019. Two: I planned a workshop, and quite a few people said \u2018that sounds great\u2019, but only one person signed up for definite, and with a week to go I cancelled the workshop due to lack of interest\u00a0(after it was cancelled loads of people came up to me and said \u2018oh, I was planning to come!\u2019). \u00a0Their \u2018no\u2019 wasn\u2019t really \u2018no\u2019. Or perhaps that\u2019s more of a \u2018buts and maybes\u2019 situation\u2026 but being noncommittal can be functionally equivalent to saying \u2018no\u2019 whatever you intend by it.<\/p>\n

Just two tiny examples\u2026 it is exceedingly tempting to focus on all the times when we feel that we\u2019ve been wronged or let down in this way, when people haven\u2019t kept their word. \u00a0But as the UU minister Charles Ortman suggested in our first reading today, we can never fully know what forces or circumstances might cause the other person to change their \u2018yes\u2019 to a \u2018no\u2019, so it is probably more fruitful if we focus on examining our own conduct instead, as that\u2019s something we have got a bit more power to influence and change (theoretically). Of course there are plenty of times when my \u2018yeah\u2019 hasn\u2019t been \u2018yeah\u2019 and I\u2019ve let others down too.<\/p>\n

So, generally speaking, are you somebody who likes to say \u2018yes\u2019? Imagine: you\u2019re invited to an event, asked for assistance, offered an opportunity.\u00a0In the moment, \u2018yes\u2019 often seems the nice thing to say, the way to please other people. Often we sincerely mean that \u2018yes\u2019 at the moment we utter it\u2026 but we might come to regret it later, when we\u2019re a bit over-committed, or we get a better offer. Maybe sometimes we already know we\u2019re a bit doubtful about whether we\u2019re going to follow through even at the moment we say \u2018yes\u2019\u2026 but we can\u2019t bring ourselves to say \u2018no\u2019\u00a0for reasons that have got more to do with social embarrassment than anything else.<\/p>\n

Or are you, perhaps, somebody who likes to say \u2018no\u2019, or just sit back and avoid committing yourself? \u00a0Maybe you are wary of making promises you might not keep, or of having others rely on you? \u00a0Perhaps you like to keep your options open and so, more often than not, say \u2018maybe\u2019?<\/p>\n

Each of us might have a default tendency to be a yes-sayer, or a no-sayer, or a maybe-sayer. \u00a0And there are consequences, of course, to each of these ways of behaving. \u00a0When we give someone our word we lead other people to believe they can count on us and they will make their own plans accordingly .\u00a0If we say \u2018yes\u2019 lightly, then regret it, we end up having to choose whether to\u00a0let someone else down or go through with something that we don\u2019t really want to do.\u00a0If we say \u2018no\u2019 lightly \u2013 or we simply withhold our \u2018yes\u2019 and are noncommittal \u2013 then we may fail to support other people\u2019s endeavours and also miss out on opportunities for ourselves.<\/p>\n

If we dig a bit deeper, what we\u2019re often really talking about, in these scenarios, is commitment. Margaret Farley says (quite formally, because she\u2019s a professor of ethics) that \u2018commitment is\u2026 an intention regarding future action and the undertaking of an obligation to another. Because we know our own inconsistencies, we need a way to strengthen ourselves\u2026 <\/em>a barrier against our fickle changes of heart, our losses of vision, our weaknesses. <\/em>By commitment we give ourselves bonds (and give ourselves a power) which will help us <\/em>to do what we truly want to do\u2026 it is a remedy for inconsistency and uncertainty.\u2019<\/em> I\u2019d add to that the observation that commitments are of varying degrees of significance \u2013 some are huge things that involve our whole lives \u2013 some are tiny and time-limited. The obligation involved in making marriage vows, or joining a religious order, is on a totally different scale to saying \u2018let\u2019s go on holiday together\u2019 or \u2018I\u2019ll give a talk at summer school\u2019, or that resulting from casually saying we\u2019ll go someone\u2019s picnic, or signing up to make tea at church. And all of these widely varying \u2018yeses\u2019 and \u2018noes\u2019 are up for examination as far as I\u2019m concerned.<\/p>\n

I\u2019d also like to bring in another variable: some commitments are formal and explicit\u00a0whilst others are informal, implicit and sometimes even entirely unspoken. \u00a0Certain kinds of relationships carry with them expectations which are rarely articulated\u2026 and differing expectations can be the source of all sorts of problems and discord. You can end up in situations where one of the parties has no sense of a binding commitment having been made at all whilst the other is tearing their hair out at being \u2018let down and\u00a0wronged\u2019. An example I can think of is in a new relationship where one partner expects the other \u00a0to get in touch and exchange messages every day and the other isn\u2019t so fussed and is happy to let communication drop and go for days without replying. They have different expectations of what commitments implicitly come along with that new relationship. I\u2019d suggest that there\u2019s a lot to be said for making these implicit commitments a bit more explicit in order to avoid this sort of confusion and disappointment. As awkward as such conversations might seem they\u2019re a lot less awkward than simmering resentment and acrimonious break-up in the long run\u2026<\/p>\n

Being clearer in ourselves about what we mean by a certain commitment is important. As Margaret Farley says, \u2018it is possible to be more reflective about the limits we intend.\u2019<\/em> How do we really<\/em> feel about it? Do we honestly mean \u2018yes\u2019? Are we going to see it through? Perhaps we need to hesitate before we give our answer and mull it over properly. This can help us to narrow the gap between what we mean to do and what we actually do. Maybe our \u2018yes\u2019, \u2018no\u2019, or \u2018maybe\u2019 depends on other things and needs to be conditional. And whatever the answer to the question might be, once we\u2019ve given it due attention, we need to take care to communicate that clearly with anyone else who is affected by it, maybe explore the mutual expectations, even if that feels an awkward and clumsy thing to do.<\/p>\n

I must also acknowledge that sometimes it is all but unavoidable that we break commitments. From time to time we may have multiple commitments that pull in different directions and thus we may need to prioritise and break one commitment to honour the other. And life is complex so it is not always obvious how we should prioritise. On the basis of greatest need? Closeness of relationship? Magnitude of help or harm? Circumstances can change, unexpectedly and through no fault of our own,\u00a0and there may be some commitments which become practically impossible to fulfil. It\u2019s a bit of a balancing act; not taking our commitments too lightly and \u2018letting ourselves off the hook\u2019; but not being bloody-minded about fulfilling them at any cost (including our well-being). And it is completely<\/em> legitimate that in some circumstances we simply change our mind. When our \u2018yes\u2019 becomes \u2018no\u2019 then that must be respected \u2013 it becomes a question of consent. On those rare occasions when we find we really can\u2019t follow through on a commitment then I\u2019d say we need to think carefully about how best to handle that honourably. That might entail giving people a heads-up as soon as we can see there\u2019s a problem\u00a0so that they have plenty of notice, and checking out whether it\u2019s possible to renegotiate arrangements, rather than making it an all-or-nothing yes\/no situation. Communicating.<\/p>\n

I read an article by the life coach Royale Scuderi which gave five tips for keeping commitments and although they don\u2019t cover every nuance I\u2019m going to give you the digest version. She says:<\/p>\n

1. Make it concrete:<\/strong> try to be sure you are going to be willing and able to do something before you commit to it and get as clear as you can on the expectations of all involved.
\n2. Get it in writing:<\/strong> verbal agreements tend to be vague and perceived differently by the parties involved so you might not even both agree when the commitment has been fulfilled.
\n3. Small promises count:<\/strong> if you don\u2019t message back, you don\u2019t repay a small sum you borrowed, then you can erode trust, damage your reputation, and appear irresponsible. You might make the other person feel dismissed and unimportant to you. That\u2019s no good.
\n4. By default, do it anyway:<\/strong> don\u2019t make excuses for yourself, push yourself a bit, and give yourself the satisfaction of following through and keeping your word. On the rare occasions when you really have to go back on your word then ask to alter the agreement (and if you have been consistently reliable in the past then people will understand).
\n5. Expect the same of others:<\/strong> expect the best and don\u2019t take your agreements with them too lightly. If someone fails to keep their word be clear and honest in your disappointment.<\/p>\n

Five tips for keeping your word \u2013 or letting your yeah be yeah \u2013 from Royale Scuderi.<\/p>\n

There is one final aspect to saying, and meaning, \u2018yes\u2019 that I want to bring in today. Commitment is not just about our obligations and what we owe to others. To repeat what Margaret Farley said, \u2018it is a barrier against <\/em>our fickle changes of heart, our losses of vision, our weaknesses\u2019<\/em> and it \u2018gives us a power which will help us do what we truly want to do.\u2019 Integrity coach Mark Wright elaborates: \u2018every commitment we make or break has <\/em>a direct impact on our integrity, character and ultimately the fulfilment of our life… <\/em>The easier path is to \u2018play small\u2019 and not ask much of life, and therefore not be required to give much either. However, this does not bring forth the \u201chighest expression of yourself\u201d.\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n

When it comes to big, significant, potentially life-changing commitments \u2013 the most obvious example that comes to mind for me is getting married\u00a0(or embarking on some kind of serious committed relationship of some sort) \u2013\u00a0we can never be totally sure ahead of time that it\u2019ll all work out perfectly, effortlessly. There is a risk that we will hang around endlessly waiting until we\u2019re certain it\u2019s the right move\u00a0(and a risk that we will miss out on whatever life has put in our way because of this hesitation). These big commitments often require a leap of faith. That\u2019s kind of the point of them! They are an expression of your highest vision, your intention, your heart\u2019s desire, and the commitment itself helps to give you the strength to see it through and make it into reality. I am using marriage as my example because it involves a very visible, public affirmation of the commitment between two people, which serves to strengthen its binding power. Humans are trying buggers, even when you love them dearly, and building a life together is not easy.\u00a0In a way this is a form of \u2018tying yourself to the mast\u2019 to help your future self stay true to your original intentions in the face of all the trials and tests you are likely to face along the way.\u00a0And of course this goes for other significant commitments too \u2013 pursuing a tough career path, or embarking on a creative endeavour that will stretch you. A wholehearted \u2018YES!\u2019 as we embark, even in the face of doubt, can give us the power to do something hard, and open us up to bigger and braver possibilities than we could face up to if we were half-hearted and tentative about it. And this vocal affirmation is even more important when two or more people are involved;\u00a0each has to give the other confidence to make the leap and trust in an entangled future together.<\/p>\n

In that spirit \u2013 of a wholehearted \u2018YES!\u2019 which leads us on to greater things \u2013 \u00a0I would like to close with a fragment of a famous piece, \u00a0often (mis)attributed to Goethe, (actually by W.H. Murray): \u2018Until one is committed there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation there is one elementary truth\u2026 the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no one could have dreamed would come their way.\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n

May it be so for all of us. Amen.<\/p>\n

Sermon by Jane Blackall<\/strong><\/p>\n

An audio recording of this sermon is available:\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n\nhttp:\/\/www.kensington-unitarians.org.uk\/pod2011\/KU_jane.blackall_sermon_06.09.15.mp3<\/a><\/audio>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Sermon #15 (16th September\u00a02015\u00a0at Essex Church \/ Kensington Unitarians)\u00a0 In the Gospel of Matthew, towards the end of chapter five, after the Beatitudes, Jesus is reported to have said the following words: \u2018I say to you, do not swear at<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[3],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.rebelrebel.org.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/201"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.rebelrebel.org.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.rebelrebel.org.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.rebelrebel.org.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.rebelrebel.org.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=201"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/www.rebelrebel.org.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/201\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":232,"href":"http:\/\/www.rebelrebel.org.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/201\/revisions\/232"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.rebelrebel.org.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=201"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.rebelrebel.org.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=201"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.rebelrebel.org.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=201"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}